One thing that I dread is when someone asks me after a weekend (let’s not get started on long weekends), “what did you do this weekend?”
“Umm, nothing, just chilled.”
then they’ll say something like, “yeah that’s the best.”
Most people are busy enough to agree with me that having an idle weekend alone is absolutely the best! But there’s no way these people spend every weekend like this whereas I spend EVERY weekend like this.
I am ashamed of it, a little bit, especially when I was in grad school. I developed an irrational fear of going outside after moving to Virginia – but eventually I got used to the sounds of guns going off once in a while.
Even now, being a person that has somehow evolved to a person with a full time job, I spend most of my time alone and savour the few weeks a year where I get to spend that time with family. I live far away from my family and I wish I didn’t.
Recently I became obsessed with Bbogaeng’s instagram account. They photograph and document their daily lives, the food that they eat, the furniture they acquire and the trips they go on. I am obsessed with beautiful home life. Bbogaeng’s home is by no means fancy. I recognize a lot of IKEA furniture and brands that most people can afford. this isn’t a life style blogger that displays opulence, it’s down to earth and lovely and cozy and realistic.
On their blog, they described themselves to be a home-holic. They are addicted to their home.
I thought that was the perfect description. I am a home-holic too. I love my home even though I pay too much rent and is a bit worried about the heating bill. I love my home, I love my home more than most bars and conversations. I love my home and my TV programming and my pajamas and that I have everything I need within reach.
As I age inevitably, I’ve come to a lot of realizations about myself. I’ve become more at ease with myself and it’s making my life easier. I care less about what other people say and what they think about me. I am what I am and I like what I like. I don’t really care if I get in trouble or cause trouble and I am probably a huge bitch – well whatever, that’s for another day.
And I really like staying home! It’s fine to not go out! Especially in the winter time! It’s fine to be at home! As much as I want!
My friend sent me a meditation mp3 to try at home. It’s 30 minutes long and she said she got it when she went to Bali. I tried it this morning but I could only lie through about half of it. My stomach was grumbling and I found myself unable to imagine the flower growing out of my body and the light spreading throughout. It sounds like I’m mocking it but I’m not!
I’m so not relaxed. I’m anxious all the time
I’ve been traveling a bit more so I just find myself shaking throughout take off and landing and turbulence. I don’t know why I’ve recently begun this unreasonable fear of flying.
This is something that I realized yesterday. I’ve known this a bit about me when a few years back when I was really unemployed and was working towards my first novel though it was mostly futile. I found myself writing intensely one day and then “resting” for 3 days. When I was “resting”, I was mad at myself for not writing but on the one day that I did work, I wrote about 5000 words on a great day and at least 3000 on a shitty one. I realized that I wasn’t lazy or procrastinating, that’s just how I work.
I’m happy about my realization! I think my life is more important anyway. Having lived away from my family and friends for the past few years made me realize that I don’t care about success that much. Ambition is where you happen to be the happiest, not what you think you want so people will think of you this way.
Also, I’m going to write in my journal a lot more again. I’m sure it helps with my anxiety. It has to right?
The other day I was upset because I am so bad at making friends.
Lately, I’ve been assessing myself as a person and some of the stuff I do is shady as fuck.
Like, I don’t even notice that I’m doing it! And then I’m doing it and thinking it and being a horrible human being.
Now you must be wondering what sort of shady business I’ve been getting myself into, nothing special but I feel shady. I FEEL SHADY.
Which makes me think, people who do horrible things, not stuff like killing someone or anything like that, but stuff like embezzling money or hiding the truth and scamming people out of money at a bank .. they probably are doing it because that’s them in a nutshell – that’s just them being themselves, shady, terrible, horrible human being but they don’t even need to think twice before doing it. THEY just do it.
Making friends, I think I am fairly capable of it but I also have a very difficult time because I don’t like to go to places. I recently got a lease in a new, expensive (not my choice), but nice apartment. I didn’t even look around the area, I didn’t even think to do that. I asked about crime, transportation, and noise. I didn’t ask to see if there are a bunch of cool hip bars near by. I didn’t check to see if there are theaters. I didn’t think that much…
And I realize that if I don’t have a car and if I have to meet someone somewhere out of the way…I’d just not go because it’s too much hassle to do that. Then I’m thinking, okay I want to have a drink ugh I definitely can’t drive!
I also hate UBER and everything like that.
So it’s like, if you can’t go to places and meet people, how are you ever expected to make friends?
Then what about a stable set of friends? Yeah I don’t have that.
How about you don’t feel sad and like a loser?
Yeah not capable of that either.
Just be alone..!
I am only capable of that sometimes.
What do you want?
I want everything and nothing.
WEEKENDS MAKE ME SO SAD
I WISH I AM GOING TO WORK!
I don’t know much about music or movies. I watch enough, but is definitely not on the cutting edge of anything.
3 Months ago on June 18 I signed up for my trial subscription of Spotify, it was my first day of work. 4 Days ago as I was walking the street I received an email from paypal informing me that my paypal just took out 10 dollars for my next month of spotify. Hummmmm, 3 months have passed.
This is what I’m really excited about listening to again and again and again recently…
Metric’s new album: Pagans in Vegas
Lana del rey’s new album: Honeymoon
Ryan Adam’s Taylor Swift cover album: 1989
It’s so weird how lyrics can sound so differently when given different arrangements and instrumentals and better. I guess I am not allowed to judge lyrics anymore but I still think Lana writes beautiful lyrics.
I’ve recently developed a fear of flying.
This all started a few months back when I was taking a short flight from Richmond Virginia to the Newark airport in New Jersey.
The flight took off as normal and I was categorically not irritated. I just graduated, I am going back to Vancouver for a week to obtain a Chinese visa then I am going to China and Japan. It’s a good day for me.
Somewhere during the second half of the flight, we started to experience intense turbulence. In hindsight, it wasn’t that bad but I suddenly felt an unreasonable urge to think about death. I tried to calm myself down by making small talk with the person next to me which is something that I NEVER ever do. The woman sitting next to me felt my nervousness but none of this affected her while I gripped harder onto my seats and looked expectantly at the seat belt that was holding me in my seat while the plane is IN THE AIR. This is it? This is the seat belt?
I never thought about flying that much. The first time that I got on an airplane was my trip from China to Canada for the first time. I was immigrating with my family and the trip was so exciting. I asked my mom if I would have blonde hair and blue eyes when we landed. She said no. And ever since that flight, I’ve taken many more since then, nothing out of the usual happened.
Even this trip to New Jersey, the turbulence was obvious but nothing especially terrifying. But I felt scared. I thought about the premise of flying, I thought about people shaking the airplane from the sides because we weren’t really flying, we were just hallucinating flight.
I thought about the lot of that then I thought about all the tragedies that happened recently on airplanes. I thought about fear. I thought about fear before death. I thought about how I would handle the fear before death because that’s much more scary than death itself.
After that, I experienced two unpleasant flights. One from Vancouver to Tokyo where I felt like my ear drum was going to pop and one from Beijing to Vancouver where the luggage compartments kept opening randomly during take off. The purple lighting and condescension from flight attendants didn’t help either.
Now I am sadly hyper aware whenever I am on an airplane. I try not to think about it, with any bad situation, I just try not to think about it.
Highest paid DJ in the world.
I just wanted to remind everyone the music he started out with.
I just wanted to remember his dorky Scottish self.