Cazals – We’re Just the same
(this song got 154 plays from my itunes in the past 1.5 days craaaZy)
One thing I’ve come to realize after all these years of living, is that, the one thing you shouldn’t be doing is comparing yourself to others. It’s the most tiring thing in the world and is the basis of all anxiety and insecurity. If you could just go on living as yourself, doing the best that you can given your own circumstances, you would reach farther than if you were in competition with someone else (maybe). In contrast if you were to be constantly thinking about what others have or are doing, it’d be a hellishly tiring way to live..
That being said, I’ve been having a hard time lately because I am seeing how other people are doing and I am looking down at myself, repeatedly, every single day. It’s not a great feeling, and it sinks deeper and deeper into your heart because I can’t tear my mind away from the word forever, is this forever? And I ask myself that every single day. But right now, I feel unusually reassured and from the least likely of sources.
Narcissism, it’s fucking useful sometimes.
Date: December 21st, 2010
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I think nothing gets my heart rate going like reading emails from important people. And by important people, in this case, I really mean those that I give my heart and soul to, for internships, for job opportunities, for replies to possible pieces that I’ve written for them to review or read.
Sometimes, I don’t get a reply.
But a lot of the times I do. And opening that email is one of the hardest things for me to do. I can barely open my inbox. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m scared of rejection.
I DO get ignored a lot though. I’ve been contacting someone on my chinese twitter account, they were interested for the length of one message (140 characters) and they are no longer. I didn’t really feel rejected but I felt more like they don’t need me AT the moment. So of course I do what anyone needs to do. Pester them with my awesomeness, I’ve left word again, that i’m willing to work and write for free for the sake of just experience. I told that I’m available at any time and really just an email away.
So since I’ve sent that reply. I haven’t been able to go on my account all night.
It’s okay…I will read the reply, or there lack of, tomorrow.
I give you my heart and soul, I give you my mind, I give you my time. I give you all my airline miles.
Just give me a chance.
:/
Going to pester the other guy tomorrow, write more stuff for them, pester them some more. Send in suggestions, perhaps a new color? Do more research…
(it sounds like i’ve been working hard but not really, been working up the courage to work hard and go through with it)
at first I was going to leave the 2nd picture after the cut but then i thought, what if people don’t click ((more and they never end up seeing this awesome message?
it’s not particularly inspirational, but sometimes it’s important to be reminded that, alright, this is the way things are and this is the way i am, no point in bitchin’ about it all day. i guess i could just stick with what i have and what i am and be the best i am.
i’m sorry that this turned out to be such an after school special or Fat Alberts (name the reference and win a million friendship pts)
but i guess i’m just saying that i need to remind myself of this more than anything else.
Tshirt by Graniph
Date: September 16th, 2010
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and it’s true, I do think the door has been shut, maybe not as raging as forever but i’ve lost almost all hope…
well now, it seems like the tide has turned, let’s see some horoscopey magic!
—-
edwinhimself posted this track by LCD soundsystem… I have the attention span of about 3 minutes so 7 minute tracks dont bode well with me.. but I kind of love it.
School started yesterday for everyone, everyone BUT me.
If i left the rest of this blog entry blank, it would have been able to perfectly articulate my state right now.
My life is blank. Since I’m not going to school, i’m chugging along at my job, my part-time job that feels like a full time job. My 35 hours this week feels like 40+ overtime.
Today, some corporate people visited. They performed their job very well. They walked in, made everyone feel insignificant and small, scanned the store and walked away haughtily. Good job guys, I see why they pay you the big bucks now. I can NEVER for the life of me, make other people feel like you do.
Actually that’s not really true because no one ever acknowledged me, and didnt even really notice me. For that I am eternally grateful, but this is just my general impression of them every time they come…
So I just kept on thinking what I want to do, what I am doing, and how do I start doing what I want to do. I dont know what I want to do so how do I give my all? I am 100% willing to throw everything away, take my blood, take my heart, take my soul, take it all, I don’t want any of it. I just want purpose right now…
I saw this video on Jeff Staples blog, blogged by KatyParis..
I dont want to do fashion at this point because I hate it, I love it and I hate it. I’d rather be a bystander than be involved. Although the atmosphere shown by the following video I like, I want to work like that, no matter what kind of work it is…
my cheekbones feel swollen, like someone punched me in the face, no one did i can assure you, but someone did throw bread at me yesterday. the culprit i did not happen to see, but it’s weird, and it didnt hurt at all, i wonder why they did it.
i think my cheeks feels swollen because i’m sick.
i like neocitran, it tastes like lemon, then it makes you feel all numb. it’s great.
these days have been a bit difficult, it’s september, summer is over..
there are things to be looked forward to, but for now, i can bear all i can bear.
Date: August 29th, 2010
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i’m not that superstitious, but it doesn’t hurt right?
i’m a dragon on the chinese zodiac, and supposedly i should buy a horse figurine and put it on my east side..to bring luck and prosperity, all the jade dragons in the world will be on your side.
i dont know if there are limitations on certain types of horse figurine but i think i’ll go buy Bullseye, from Toy Story 3, i can’t think of a better horse.
and my dear horse figurine, you know what i want this year, and i only want this one thing, i’ve been patient, please dont let me down.
title indicates the Aloe Blacc song, which happens to be the opening for “How to Make it in America” which coincidentally was called “entourage new york edition” (in my head, i dont know why it’s coincidentally, it’s not really a coincidence at all, they are both on HBO?)… yeah i like TV shows like that. I think I wrote this longgggg post about how it felt not legitimate because the main character just doesn’t have that ‘street vibe’. i think i never posted it because I was afraid I was wrong because i’m not that confident in my street culture 101. Its a good show though, check it out, i think it’s on HBO or something, or you can torrent it like everybody else in the world.
let me tell you a story about how inadequate i am about my knowledge of street culture, well this was before, a long time ago, when i just got into it, i said something like “nice color ways” on some forum about these air maxes and people totally killed me on that forum “those are infrareds, how can you say you know about supreme then you go and say that” something along this line, people were questioning my gender..so
yeahhh it’s not a good story. i quit that forum a long time ago, they ripped me apart too much, i have never felt more self-conscious in my life.
“this is me, this is my style” << if you know the name of the forum, 1 million friendship points for you!
i have some pics to share, well it’s just me, at central park, doing dumb shit as always..
but first, some pretty flowers that i photoshopped to look better
SR-71 – ALL AMERICAN (this song describes how i feel right now?)
this is legitimately heavy, i have skinny girl arms, so i could only hold it long enough to take a picture.
leap-frog activity, i have long legs so i thought i could do this, but, no i cant, i can’t do it because i suck.
more skinny girl arms here, i’m sorry it’s so mr.blurrycam (name the source of this coinage, another million friendship points for you)
then i went to take my blood pressure at a drug store because all the cool people do it, also we have family history of hypertension or some shit like that. even though it says it’s normal, this is actually really high for me. someONE is making my blood pressure high, i think this someone knows who this someone is. actually probably not, this someone doesnt read my blog.
its 2 am, work tomorrow, all freaking day, so this will be scheduled to be posted during then, feels like i’m here when i’m totally not.
Date: August 12th, 2010
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