the importance of being idle

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My friend sent me a meditation mp3 to try at home. It’s 30 minutes long and she said she got it when she went to Bali. I tried it this morning but I could only lie through about half of it. My stomach was grumbling and I found myself unable to imagine the flower growing out of my body and the light spreading throughout. It sounds like I’m mocking it but I’m not!

I’m so not relaxed. I’m anxious all the time
I’ve been traveling a bit more so I just find myself shaking throughout take off and landing and turbulence. I don’t know why I’ve recently begun this unreasonable fear of flying.

This is something that I realized yesterday. I’ve known this a bit about me when a few years back when I was really unemployed and was working towards my first novel though it was mostly futile. I found myself writing intensely one day and then “resting” for 3 days. When I was “resting”, I was mad at myself for not writing but on the one day that I did work, I wrote about 5000 words on a great day and at least 3000 on a shitty one. I realized that I wasn’t lazy or procrastinating, that’s just how I work.

I’m happy about my realization! I think my life is more important anyway. Having lived away from my family and friends for the past few years made me realize that I don’t care about success that much. Ambition is where you happen to be the happiest, not what you think you want so people will think of you this way.

Also, I’m going to write in my journal a lot more again. I’m sure it helps with my anxiety. It has to right?

Posted by on 10/08/2015 in RANDOM

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