it’s 11 PM at night and I am supposed to be writing something but I haven’t even started. Instead I am watching stuff, and reading stuff and listening to stuff.
This level of procrastination is not normal.
But unlike all the things that I’ve attempted to do before, I am supposed to WANT to do this.
Lately I’ve been a bit unhinged by the environment around me.
I sort of hate it. yeah I sort of do.
I’ve compared it to prison. Even though my narrow view of prison is solely through Orange is the new Black. I compare it to prison because on the show, the counsellor tells Piper to focus on topics outside of prison. That’s what I tell myself to do sometimes, let’s focus on things outside of the incoherent mumbling so as to not get lost in it all.
It’s barely been a full week yet.
The drama piles on in second year because it is basically an extension of first year.
I keep telling myself that I am doing all this procrastinating because I am fascinated by life and media and therefore, I am gathering knowledge and experience and feeling all these feelings so that I can full integrate it into my writing.
That’s a basket case of shit.
I’m not a squirrel, I’m not foraging.
I’m just unsure.
And then there’s the ever present crumbling fear.
FEAR really drives.
My mom tells me to make it like Buddha and chill out but it’s not working and I’m back to my foul mouthed self.
Is it too early to start counting down the day till graduation? Or at least, winter holidays?
the moment that i have to start doing work, i decide to update my blog!!!!
i’ve been plotting this entry in my head for several days now… really thinking hard whether i should use the number 2 or type out “to”.. i decide to use the number, as you can see.
i’ve been back to virginia for a few days now.
and it’s hot, humid, bland, here.
But i see a lot of subtle improvements in the city, like how they broke ground on that modern art museum sponsored by the school. I love art!!!!! So I am looking forward to it even though I doubt I’ll ever get to visit it since I’ll never be back once I graduate..
I hope the gallery will bring about positive changes around the downtown “arts” district where I reside. Perhaps adjusting the ratio of tattoo parlors to restaurants, i think at the moment there are 4 tattoo parlors to a restaurant.
school also started.
i wasn’t fully awake for that first class so I can’t tell you what went down.
I also went grocery shopping, which is my favorite and least favorite thing to do. Because I don’t have a car, it’s a stressful and exhilarating experience.
I was really pleasantly surprised that my room is so clean when I got home. But I got sick soon after, of course, after that nightmare with United airlines. But when is it ever not a nightmare?
I’m not one for great riches, I get that. I don’t have to get my cards read to know that I won’t be amazingly successful but please, I need an earlier boarding time.
Whatever, here I am. here we go.
I am excited and not excited. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. A lot of things changed at home and it sort of means that I don’t have a home to go back to anymore. Well I do, but it’s far, and I’ll need a visa to get there.
This growing up thing, it isn’t for everyone.
!! and I started reading the new murakami, finalllyyyyyy…. what do I think? I guess I expected more. I’ll post a more detailed review soon enough. The cover is beautiful but what’s with that spaced out text? I guess it’s for the benefit on the reader’s eyes.
one thing I have to say about murakami though, I can never predict the plot because it’s wackadoodle.
have an exciting sunday evening. i’m off to the races.
in case anyone hasn’t seen this yet.
the full movie is available on youtube.
This became a chore
I paid my bill
and totally forgot
what the $71.40 was for
remember that my portfolio
exists on this cute
I can’t believe how much has changed since fanfiction.net
that’s when i started to write
that’s when I started to like
approval came in the form of comments
and pleads for more chapters
that was a good period
but oh so scary
to look back on
what i wrote
the subject matter
this isn’t a poem
but i am feeling like it might be possibly be
i’m listening to Lorde again.
Cheers to another year
Still feeling all the things
that I’m not supposed to feel
Grateful for all the opportunities
gained and miss
Even though I’m a cry baby
I am happy that I still
let that happen
Here’s to another year
specifically, the amount of time that i’m on the train.
Which runs about 30 minutes……and I listen to music and I look at people’s shoes and I always lament on the fact that I got on the first stop and getting off at the last stop.
i had soooooo many thoughts this morning.
including that i want to eat white castle for lunch since I’ve never had white castle before.
and we don’t have white castle in canada!!!
I am leaving New York next Sunday.
Lots of stuff happened, but it also feels like nothing happened at all.
I am so internal these days, i try to internalize everything even though apparently I still complain too much, according to some.
Last time I came to New York, I came to the decision that I want to work in advertising and this time? What did I come to the conclusion of? Well, let’s at least be grateful that it’s not to quit advertising.
I don’t know why I can’t get excited about anything anymore. The only thing that I really look forward to each day is sleeping which, surprisingly, is actually happening.
I rarely sleep until the alarm rings but that now happens everyday. I normally wake up 10 minutes before the alarm and curse until the cows become hamburgers.
I think I’m very tired even though I didn’t do much.
In the up coming year, i have a lot of exciting projects that I have vomited onto myself. I can’t stand still anymore. I need to start running.
Even though i’ve never had a hard time making friends, I’ve always had a hard time keeping friends. And what’s harder than having haters is to have those that disregard you, to consider you not worthy their time. And that happens to me too often.
Being ignored is the worst thing in the world.
Maybe because I get lavished with attention from my family therefore of course, to balance it out, I get no attention from friends.
Being ignored makes me feel very motivated, driven, and a bit vindictive.
BUT IM SO LAZY.
Alright, I can’t be like that anymore.
One thing that is important to realize is that rather than knowing what you can do, what you are capable of, it’s better to realize what you are not able to do, what you draw the line at.
I realize a lot of things about myself, which is nice. Which is helpful. Which is, annoying, because more than often, these are faults.
What can you do?
I watched this documentary called FREE TO PLAY about professional dota 2 players that compete to win a grand prize of 1 million dollars. It’s a very touching story. I highly recommend it.
I went to school with some hardcore gamers, now they are all doctors, or pharmacists. So, parents should at least realize that it takes smarts to play games like that, at that level.
I can’t, I suck at games. I am pretty good at tetris though???
I am off topic.
I wanted to type, because I always feel like someone is listening to me here even though this is a very small blog filled with insignificant small things.
I stopped trying to make my blog popular cause I just can’t. It’s fine the way it is. I am happy with the way it is. And the person that gets the most out of is is me, I love to read the old entries, and see how much my writing has changed and will change.
How much I have changed, how much I will change.
It’ll get better
edit: looking at this blog entry from a 2 years ago? It’s..exactly like this moment. I still feel uncomfortable blogging about myself and my personal feelings…but reading back, it’s wonderful.
i hate the word sneakers. I don’t know why!
I know there’s no reason for me to buy sneakers ever again. And I’ll try to refrain myself from buying these as long as I can. Since these are classics at least I never have to worry about these going out of style or being discontinued any time soon.
Total flashback to my first few pairs of sneakers. Nike Prestos, Adidas Superstar II and others… Puma something.
I haven’t worn Adidas in many years, probably since that pair of Superstar IIs. But I really want a pair of black ones with white stripes. I also see people around town wearing track pants and track suits, the last time that I thought I wanted track suits was in grade 10 or some other unconfident age like that.
Both of these colors are striking for me. But having had a pair of white ones before and knowing that the shell toes turn yellow (???) after a bit of wear will drive me towards the black ones with white stripes.
I am sure there are a lot of cool magazine features and editorials but I can’t find any now so just use your imagination.
I feel like these should be paired with skirts, preferably ankle length skirts.
!!! Since I’m going to portland in August I’ll see if I can score these on the cheap. Especially since I can wear children’s sizes.
Another pair that I’ve been wanting for a LONGGG TIMEEEE is classic vans sk8 HI. They’ve come out with all these colorways and they end up going on sale. I am more interested in this shoe now they’ve come out with the slim version for girls, i have very narrow feet, the slim version will do me good.
I’m a bit interested in this pair since it has the zipper in the back. It’s the ultimate lazy shoe, I also like the leopard print, especially since it’s hidden on the inside.
One major struggle that i’ve had to face a few times throughout my life is to ask myself if I want high tops or lows. This is a very difficult question to answer but if you ask yourself these questions it might help you out a bit…
Q: Do I wear pants a lot or shorts/skirts?
A – Pants: highs are better
A – shorts skirts: lows are better
Q: do I wear skinny jeans or baggy / bell bottom pants?
A – skinny: highs
A – baggy: lows
Q: Will it bother me if my socks will show?
A – yes, then stick with highs
A – no, then lows are fine too.
But it all comes down to what you want.
Another thing that come to mind is what shoe you’ll get, from experience:
converse high tops: for girls
converse lows: for boys
dunk hi > dunk low
Air force one look better with baggy clothes
Vans, stick with hi unless you’re buying slip ons of course.
I don’t know if this has been helpful. But I find myself buying more and more high tops compared to years ago. The sock thing really bother me.
But at least I started wearing socks right?
This was such an unnecessary blog post but chronicling my shoe wants make me feel better.