death and dying is the next trend

+

Why are millennials so obsessed with death? (myself included)

ETA: I found these memes on tumblr, let me know if this photo belongs to you and I’ll credit you or take it down (don’t make me take it down).

I was born in 1988 and my life is good. Yet I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of dying, soon, fast, now.

 

I have a good, “fun”, “cool” job in a midsize American city with benefits and health care. I have no major health problems and I’ve got some cool art in my apartment.
a

I recently acquired leather pants and I haven’t worn them enough to get my money’s worth yet, so technically, not yet. And last night I saw a cool record player that I may want to own one day.

And Lana del Rey’s new album isn’t out..and…

 

On most nights I go to bed not tired enough to fall asleep fast enough. Because of the nature of my job, I have a very flexible schedule, and because of that, I sleep late.

 

I am under my blanket, sweating a bit, even though it’s winter time. I turn off the heat because I am trying to save money on electricity. I am not sweating cause it’s hot, per say. I’m sweating because I’m uncomfortable in my own skin, whenever I am left alone for even a second without something to distract me. It didn’t use to be like this.

 

Damn, wouldn’t it be nice to go to sleep and not wake up? I think of this often.

Screen Shot 2017-02-21 at 11.06.53 AM

I even discuss it with my boyfriend, and we talk about the possibilities of death. Not dying, but death. I guess it helps that we both are not religious, so we don’t believe in afterlife, cause damn that sounds exhausting.

 

We both think it’d be nice to just stop existing and we both agree that our parents would be sad. And that’s one of the few things that’s keeping it all going.

 

I am not depressed, at least not clinically. But who isn’t depressed these days?

 

But often I find myself finding life very annoying, and asking myself the point of it all. Because, as each day passes by, I can’t see what’s so good about it. What’s the next major world disaster that will hit the twitter feeds? Something that will not affect me or my first world life, but will cause bleakness in me all the same? Humanity is doomed!!

 

Everyday is the same and there isn’t anything to look forward to.

 

I roll around the bed, unable to fall asleep.

 

I turn to my phone.

 

My favourite way of falling asleep is to scroll through tumblr until I can no longer stay awake anymore. I laugh out loud under the covers and in the dark. I love it, I love memes, especially right before bed.

 

There are a lot of different kind of memes but I find that the ones about death resonate with me, and many others on the internet, because they get reblogged a lot.

 

Everyone finds death funny and apparently, everyone wants to die.

Screen Shot 2017-02-21 at 11.07.13 AM

And no one really wants it to happen to them prematurely.

 

But, is reality that bad?

 

When I was in high school, I knew a girl that tried to kill herself. Thankfully, she didn’t die. But she did leave a scar on her arm that everyone looked at curiously and questioned.

 

That was my first true brush with death.

 

It was scary to think about. But it also sort of planted a seed in my head. You can do that, you can choose to do that.

 

When I was small, (admittingly, I was probably like 10), I used to cry in my bed until my mom came to  console me. I was crying about dying. My mom told me that I would one day understand why death is necessary. I didn’t understand. There were so many things to look forward to, how can death be necessary? All the toys, the friends I’ll make, the books I’ll read, and all that growing up I’ll have to do. Damn, where’s that thirst for life now?

a

I did this a second time, my mom told me to get over it. It felt harsh for a ten year old, but how do you console someone over something you just can’t explain?

 

I am trying to remember when I started to feel strongly about not wanting to exist anymore. I am trying to count the things that I am looking forward to, but I am coming up short.

 

I know that I will never do anything as foolish as to take my own life.

But the thought of not having to keep on going for no other reason than keeping on going is a pleasant one.

 

While I can’t speak for everyone, but the trend is evident. Not necessarily death, but the thought of not having to live anymore, is definitely superior to life?

 

Yes, won’t we think of those in harsher living environments? Won’t we think of those caught in the middle of war? Won’t we think of those that are in fact on the brink of death?

 

How can we keep talking about wanting to die as if we’re anything but healthy young people?

 

Because we all went to expensive schools, and now we owe a lot of money. Because we know we might never own our own home. Because we don’t know how taxes work and the government is cracking down on everything?

 

Because the billionaires are getting even younger while we struggle to pay for lunch.

 

Because life expectancy is perhaps too long.

 

Because we would rather turn to the screen than to the person. Because of our now short attention spans, we can’t face any kind of annoyance. Because, at least on the surface, everyone else is happier than we are, everyone else is more successful than us and they all have better mid century furniture.

Screen Shot 2017-02-21 at 12.07.22 PM

The future is bleak. And with each day it gets bleaker. And so we cope with humor. Make someone else laugh, make yourself laugh, about a subject that’s no laughing matter. Cope. Cope until you die.

 

Well this write-up was a waste of time, just like life.

 

full of shit

1 comment

i’ve arrived at a new peak of procrastination.

I am updating my wordpress blog.

 

UGH, i’m so embarrassed by this collection of “essays” and “photo essays”

because wow i’m so full of shit.

 

i have got to stop listening to Mariah Carey’s We Belong Together album.

 

Sometimes I think about that there are so many rappers that get featured on pop albums but we never ever hear about them again.

Like TWISTA

what happened Twista?

 

I’ll think about that and I hope you will too.

temporarily off twitter

1 comment

i don’t like that you can only deactivate twitter for 30 days cause after that they will “start to” delete your archive. As if deleting 14K tweets will be extremely time consuming….

 

I decided to stay off twitter for now because I find myself complaining a ton and just offering low quality content to everyone….

 

well right now i’ll tell you that i’m sitting really straight in my chair cause i ate too much for lunch and i can’t let my stomach fold over itself anymore…

 

whatever gets that posture going, you know?

doing stuff in 2015

+

SAD is hitting me harder this year than any other. So to combat it I’ve been trying to eat more greens and taking vitamin D. It also probably helps to set some goals about what I want to do…at least for the first half of the year.

– buy my leather jacket!
I’ve been putting it off but it’s finally time! Time to drop a lot of money on something that I’ll love and wear a lot. It’s a bit difficult to determine the size on it but I’m pretty excited about it.

– Get an Oregon driver’s license!
Despite living in Virginia for two years I NEVER switched my driver’s license. There are a lot of rules it seems like, because once you have a license it could mean a lot of things. I only have my Canadian driver’s license and hopefully they’ll let me do the switch.

– Do my taxes!
Well this is mandatory but UGHHH ITS SO PAINFUL…

-Plan my April Vacation.
It’ll take some planning and I’ll have to work around the schedule at work but I’m excited. I feel terrible because I can’t seem to enjoy my daily life and I need to plan something ahead to look forward to…

Yeah that’s about it for now. I’ll update as they come along I guess.
Staying positive could be difficult, especially when you are as spoiled as I am..

2015 in review

+

tumblr_o08ogp41Ft1qhmypro1_540

gif credit genuinehuman

(more…)

young and dumb

1 comment

The birds & the Bees – Young and Dumb.

Counting the years up I am 27.
I look young but it’s mostly because I am disguising it all with my immature attitude and take on life.
I keep counting the years up and soon I’ll be dead ( I am a very fast counter ).

I’ve never felt young before in my life. I’ve always felt old and tired. I’ve felt like I’ve had enough.
I felt like I knew so much, my need to speak (not to listen), and my distrust of every single person around me has brought me a lot of trouble.

But I’ve never felt young and dumb.
I’ve felt like I’ve figured it out. I felt like I no longer need to chase.

Today is the first time that I felt young and dumb.
Today I realized that I need to build my own life and not chase after one that I don’t really know what is all about.
I’m always wondering about other people but I wonder if anyone wonders about me?
Is it time for more self reflection or is it time for something else?

Young and Dumb.
I feel so young and dumb.
I am young and dumb.



Archives

Categories