burned

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i bawled for an hour today.
Hot oil splattered onto my chin and neck and now I have these ugly grey marks on my face until due notice.
I called my mom immediately because I didn’t know who else to call, also I don’t have health insurance, so I was hoping this wasn’t the kind of injury where I have to go to the hospital…
thank goodness to technology, I showed her how bad the burn was, it wasn’t that bad…it’s just gonna leave a mark for about a week. But it’s ugly and I already feel very ugly as of late
So
I cried because of that, but also because of many things.
There are a lot of stuff that I am upset, stressed about, and having to go to school and put these feelings under magnetization is very stressful.

i am not eating well, nor am I sleeping well but both of these things never happen when I am at school. I really hate the city that I am in, and maybe under better circumstances, this wouldn’t be the case…but I can’t imagine anything else.

I felt silly for crying. I felt spoiled for crying. But I couldn’t stop crying. I could only imagine myself in the worst of these situations…and the more that I think about them, the less I could control my emotions.

I found myself tearing up during presentations about cookies, and chocolate, or any mention of family. AH GOD, I miss my family.

maybe I wanted to feel sorry for myself, so I kept reminding myself how alone I was…and how alone I was going to stay for the remainder of time. …

It’s frustrating. But after being hurt physically, it somehow felt better.. Let’s .. get through this, one day at a time, one project at a time.

Let’s… just forget about the future, because the present is already too much.

gathering

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it’s 11 PM at night and I am supposed to be writing something but I haven’t even started. Instead I am watching stuff, and reading stuff and listening to stuff.

This level of procrastination is not normal.
But unlike all the things that I’ve attempted to do before, I am supposed to WANT to do this.

Lately I’ve been a bit unhinged by the environment around me.
I sort of hate it. yeah I sort of do.
I’ve compared it to prison. Even though my narrow view of prison is solely through Orange is the new Black. I compare it to prison because on the show, the counsellor tells Piper to focus on topics outside of prison. That’s what I tell myself to do sometimes, let’s focus on things outside of the incoherent mumbling so as to not get lost in it all.

It’s barely been a full week yet.
The drama piles on in second year because it is basically an extension of first year.

I keep telling myself that I am doing all this procrastinating because I am fascinated by life and media and therefore, I am gathering knowledge and experience and feeling all these feelings so that I can full integrate it into my writing.

That’s a basket case of shit.
I’m not a squirrel, I’m not foraging.

I’m just unsure.

And then there’s the ever present crumbling fear.
FEAR really drives.
My mom tells me to make it like Buddha and chill out but it’s not working and I’m back to my foul mouthed self.

BAH.

Is it too early to start counting down the day till graduation? Or at least, winter holidays?

back2school

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typical.
the moment that i have to start doing work, i decide to update my blog!!!!
i’ve been plotting this entry in my head for several days now… really thinking hard whether i should use the number 2 or type out “to”.. i decide to use the number, as you can see.

i’ve been back to virginia for a few days now.
same old.
and it’s hot, humid, bland, here.

But i see a lot of subtle improvements in the city, like how they broke ground on that modern art museum sponsored by the school. I love art!!!!! So I am looking forward to it even though I doubt I’ll ever get to visit it since I’ll never be back once I graduate..

I hope the gallery will bring about positive changes around the downtown “arts” district where I reside. Perhaps adjusting the ratio of tattoo parlors to restaurants, i think at the moment there are 4 tattoo parlors to a restaurant.

school also started.
i wasn’t fully awake for that first class so I can’t tell you what went down.

I also went grocery shopping, which is my favorite and least favorite thing to do. Because I don’t have a car, it’s a stressful and exhilarating experience.

I was really pleasantly surprised that my room is so clean when I got home. But I got sick soon after, of course, after that nightmare with United airlines. But when is it ever not a nightmare?

I’m not one for great riches, I get that. I don’t have to get my cards read to know that I won’t be amazingly successful but please, I need an earlier boarding time.

Whatever, here I am. here we go.

I am excited and not excited. It’s a mixed bag of emotions. A lot of things changed at home and it sort of means that I don’t have a home to go back to anymore. Well I do, but it’s far, and I’ll need a visa to get there.

This growing up thing, it isn’t for everyone.

!! and I started reading the new murakami, finalllyyyyyy…. what do I think? I guess I expected more. I’ll post a more detailed review soon enough. The cover is beautiful but what’s with that spaced out text? I guess it’s for the benefit on the reader’s eyes.

one thing I have to say about murakami though, I can never predict the plot because it’s wackadoodle.

have an exciting sunday evening. i’m off to the races.

hana and alice

1 comment

in case anyone hasn’t seen this yet.

the full movie is available on youtube.

HAPPY BELATED 4TH ANNIVERSARY

1 comment

somewhere down the line
This became a chore
I paid my bill
and totally forgot
what the $71.40 was for
Another year
ANOTHER YEAR!

remember that my portfolio
exists on this cute
little
website

I can’t believe how much has changed since fanfiction.net
that’s when i started to write
that’s when I started to like

approval came in the form of comments
and pleads for more chapters
that was a good period

but oh so scary
to look back on

what i wrote
ugh
the subject matter
double ugh
this isn’t a poem
but i am feeling like it might be possibly be

i’m listening to Lorde again.

Cheers to another year
Still alive

Still feeling all the things
that I’m not supposed to feel

Grateful for all the opportunities
gained and miss

Even though I’m a cry baby
I am happy that I still
let that happen

Here’s to another year
cheers
to everything
and everyone

i do the day’s thinking in the morning

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specifically, the amount of time that i’m on the train.
Which runs about 30 minutes……and I listen to music and I look at people’s shoes and I always lament on the fact that I got on the first stop and getting off at the last stop.

i had soooooo many thoughts this morning.
including that i want to eat white castle for lunch since I’ve never had white castle before.
and we don’t have white castle in canada!!!

I am leaving New York next Sunday.

Lots of stuff happened, but it also feels like nothing happened at all.

I am so internal these days, i try to internalize everything even though apparently I still complain too much, according to some.

Last time I came to New York, I came to the decision that I want to work in advertising and this time? What did I come to the conclusion of? Well, let’s at least be grateful that it’s not to quit advertising.

:shock:

I don’t know why I can’t get excited about anything anymore. The only thing that I really look forward to each day is sleeping which, surprisingly, is actually happening.

I rarely sleep until the alarm rings but that now happens everyday. I normally wake up 10 minutes before the alarm and curse until the cows become hamburgers.

I think I’m very tired even though I didn’t do much.

In the up coming year, i have a lot of exciting projects that I have vomited onto myself. I can’t stand still anymore. I need to start running.

Even though i’ve never had a hard time making friends, I’ve always had a hard time keeping friends. And what’s harder than having haters is to have those that disregard you, to consider you not worthy their time. And that happens to me too often.

Being ignored is the worst thing in the world.
Maybe because I get lavished with attention from my family therefore of course, to balance it out, I get no attention from friends.

Being ignored makes me feel very motivated, driven, and a bit vindictive.

BUT IM SO LAZY.
:giveup:

:giveup:

:giveup:

Alright, I can’t be like that anymore.

One thing that is important to realize is that rather than knowing what you can do, what you are capable of, it’s better to realize what you are not able to do, what you draw the line at.

I realize a lot of things about myself, which is nice. Which is helpful. Which is, annoying, because more than often, these are faults.

What can you do?

I watched this documentary called FREE TO PLAY about professional dota 2 players that compete to win a grand prize of 1 million dollars. It’s a very touching story. I highly recommend it.

I went to school with some hardcore gamers, now they are all doctors, or pharmacists. So, parents should at least realize that it takes smarts to play games like that, at that level.

I can’t, I suck at games. I am pretty good at tetris though???

I am off topic.

I wanted to type, because I always feel like someone is listening to me here even though this is a very small blog filled with insignificant small things.

I stopped trying to make my blog popular cause I just can’t. It’s fine the way it is. I am happy with the way it is. And the person that gets the most out of is is me, I love to read the old entries, and see how much my writing has changed and will change.

How much I have changed, how much I will change.

It’ll get better :dead:

edit: looking at this blog entry from a 2 years ago? It’s..exactly like this moment. I still feel uncomfortable blogging about myself and my personal feelings…but reading back, it’s wonderful.



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