temporarily off twitter

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i don’t like that you can only deactivate twitter for 30 days cause after that they will “start to” delete your archive. As if deleting 14K tweets will be extremely time consuming….


I decided to stay off twitter for now because I find myself complaining a ton and just offering low quality content to everyone….


well right now i’ll tell you that i’m sitting really straight in my chair cause i ate too much for lunch and i can’t let my stomach fold over itself anymore…


whatever gets that posture going, you know?

doing stuff in 2015


SAD is hitting me harder this year than any other. So to combat it I’ve been trying to eat more greens and taking vitamin D. It also probably helps to set some goals about what I want to do…at least for the first half of the year.

– buy my leather jacket!
I’ve been putting it off but it’s finally time! Time to drop a lot of money on something that I’ll love and wear a lot. It’s a bit difficult to determine the size on it but I’m pretty excited about it.

– Get an Oregon driver’s license!
Despite living in Virginia for two years I NEVER switched my driver’s license. There are a lot of rules it seems like, because once you have a license it could mean a lot of things. I only have my Canadian driver’s license and hopefully they’ll let me do the switch.

– Do my taxes!
Well this is mandatory but UGHHH ITS SO PAINFUL…

-Plan my April Vacation.
It’ll take some planning and I’ll have to work around the schedule at work but I’m excited. I feel terrible because I can’t seem to enjoy my daily life and I need to plan something ahead to look forward to…

Yeah that’s about it for now. I’ll update as they come along I guess.
Staying positive could be difficult, especially when you are as spoiled as I am..

2015 in review



gif credit genuinehuman


young and dumb

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The birds & the Bees – Young and Dumb.

Counting the years up I am 27.
I look young but it’s mostly because I am disguising it all with my immature attitude and take on life.
I keep counting the years up and soon I’ll be dead ( I am a very fast counter ).

I’ve never felt young before in my life. I’ve always felt old and tired. I’ve felt like I’ve had enough.
I felt like I knew so much, my need to speak (not to listen), and my distrust of every single person around me has brought me a lot of trouble.

But I’ve never felt young and dumb.
I’ve felt like I’ve figured it out. I felt like I no longer need to chase.

Today is the first time that I felt young and dumb.
Today I realized that I need to build my own life and not chase after one that I don’t really know what is all about.
I’m always wondering about other people but I wonder if anyone wonders about me?
Is it time for more self reflection or is it time for something else?

Young and Dumb.
I feel so young and dumb.
I am young and dumb.


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One thing that I dread is when someone asks me after a weekend (let’s not get started on long weekends), “what did you do this weekend?”

“Umm, nothing, just chilled.”

then they’ll say something like, “yeah that’s the best.”

Most people are busy enough to agree with me that having an idle weekend alone is absolutely the best! But there’s no way these people spend every weekend like this whereas I spend EVERY weekend like this.

I am ashamed of it, a little bit, especially when I was in grad school. I developed an irrational fear of going outside after moving to Virginia – but eventually I got used to the sounds of guns going off once in a while.

Even now, being a person that has somehow evolved to a person with a full time job, I spend most of my time alone and savour the few weeks a year where I get to spend that time with family. I live far away from my family and I wish I didn’t.

Recently I became obsessed with Bbogaeng’s instagram account. They photograph and document their daily lives, the food that they eat, the furniture they acquire and the trips they go on. I am obsessed with beautiful home life. Bbogaeng’s home is by no means fancy. I recognize a lot of IKEA furniture and brands that most people can afford. this isn’t a life style blogger that displays opulence, it’s down to earth and lovely and cozy and realistic.

On their blog, they described themselves to be a home-holic. They are addicted to their home.

I thought that was the perfect description. I am a home-holic too. I love my home even though I pay too much rent and is a bit worried about the heating bill. I love my home, I love my home more than most bars and conversations. I love my home and my TV programming and my pajamas and that I have everything I need within reach.

As I age inevitably, I’ve come to a lot of realizations about myself. I’ve become more at ease with myself and it’s making my life easier. I care less about what other people say and what they think about me. I am what I am and I like what I like. I don’t really care if I get in trouble or cause trouble and I am probably a huge bitch – well whatever, that’s for another day.

And I really like staying home! It’s fine to not go out! Especially in the winter time! It’s fine to be at home! As much as I want!

the importance of being idle


My friend sent me a meditation mp3 to try at home. It’s 30 minutes long and she said she got it when she went to Bali. I tried it this morning but I could only lie through about half of it. My stomach was grumbling and I found myself unable to imagine the flower growing out of my body and the light spreading throughout. It sounds like I’m mocking it but I’m not!

I’m so not relaxed. I’m anxious all the time
I’ve been traveling a bit more so I just find myself shaking throughout take off and landing and turbulence. I don’t know why I’ve recently begun this unreasonable fear of flying.

This is something that I realized yesterday. I’ve known this a bit about me when a few years back when I was really unemployed and was working towards my first novel though it was mostly futile. I found myself writing intensely one day and then “resting” for 3 days. When I was “resting”, I was mad at myself for not writing but on the one day that I did work, I wrote about 5000 words on a great day and at least 3000 on a shitty one. I realized that I wasn’t lazy or procrastinating, that’s just how I work.

I’m happy about my realization! I think my life is more important anyway. Having lived away from my family and friends for the past few years made me realize that I don’t care about success that much. Ambition is where you happen to be the happiest, not what you think you want so people will think of you this way.

Also, I’m going to write in my journal a lot more again. I’m sure it helps with my anxiety. It has to right?